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I'm not one to get all Shakespearean on you - in all honesty, I've never read an entire Shakespeare work in my life; despite having an undergraduate degree in English. But, this morning while I was looking out the window and watching the glorious white stuff fall from the sky, this quote just popped into my head and felt apt for my mood
While I've loved the flakes falling from the sky, I've been less enamored by the conflicted feelings swirling internally. If only I could figure out a way to get away...Sometimes it seems that I am so occupied listening to everyone else's voice that I can't hear my own. Figuring out what I want, where I want to be, who I want to be, feels more like a continuing saga than an increasingly more illuminated path. Some time alone, without the distractions (joyful or otherwise) of everyday life, would probably go a long way in making me feel a bit more grounded and serene.
I know this will pass. I believe each day brings me closer to a deeper understanding, a more clear acceptance of self and others, but, there are days when this holding pattern I find myself flying within feels more than a little constricting. For now, I remain optimistically pessimistic.
I have been reading DelSo here and there. Read the article about the Divorced Marriage and I too, felt maybe I could have wrote it. (I think I posted that to you). Now I read this, The Winter of Discontent. I want to be optimistic, however, I have gone through about 6 seasons of discontent. Each season, I too, continue my optimistic approach to finding myself, searching for who I want to be, where I want to go, how I want to be loved, even what I expect from my children. After 6 seasons, I feel like a tv series on HBO. I have moved forward but I have also just gone around in one big circle. No one thing really thrills me or excites me. Although I do feel joy at times, usually brought on by Erik and Juliana's accomplishments. Living and enjoying life through them. With that said, I find myself holding onto their childhood joys and accomplishments as I live through them. When I am angry, I like to yell like my father, "If you only know how good you have it". They look at me like I am crazy and sometimes, I think I am ! Actually, crazy is what I find gets me through these seasons. One winter of discontent, honey, you have a long way to go. If you find yourself before I do, please, let me know your secret. I feel like this might have to be my winter of acceptance. Right now, what I think it comes down to is that we are stuck between a rock and a hard place. (Now there is a title for a blog). We are surrounded by our children and our husbands. As much as we are so blessed for having all of them in our lives, you and I are not ones to throw in the towel and just "accept" life as is. I am rolling with the punches right now, keeping busy, working out is my lifesaver. The one place were I am my own self, where I can form my own body and hear my own mind. How do we break out of this discontent. My favorite saying lately, to explain my feelings is that I feel like a hamster on a hamster wheel, just running around in the same tiny circle. Seems sad, but true. So I make the best of it. Try to find happiness in the little things in life. Waiting for the discontent to drift out of my life and see the sunshine through the snow flakes. I don't see that happening for a long time, since it has been going on for a while now already. I think this winter, I will have to be more on the content side, hoping that spring bring with it a blossom, especially for me. Maybe some really exciting summer plan, girls only. Far, far away. California, cross country road trip. A convertible with scarves tied around our hair so it doesn't whip us in the face?
ReplyDeleteFor 2 girls with very different backgrounds, we sure do seem to experience life in very similar fashions, Beth. That hamster wheel image is pretty sharp - I don't know about you, but I personally believe I have unconsciously filled my life with a dizzying array of adventures and activities so I don't notice that I'm more stationary than I ever could have imagined. I also feel like I'm going through life with a degree of numbness which I find distressing - life is too short to not feel inspired, in love, excited, alive... I'm looking for answers but unfortunately don't think there are any shortcuts. Friends with common experiences make the luggage feel lighter. And a road trip is never a bad idea - unless we're driving the roadster into the Grand Canyon, that is. :)
ReplyDeleteInteresting, numbness, a word I just used in one of my posts last week. It was a thread under the picture of our devoured truck. I posted to an FB friend that I was numb. How interesting you used the same exact word as I in the same week. Whether you fill your life with adventures and activities to try to ignore the stationary life or if I feel safer in a structured routine in order to push away the sedentary life, I think that is simply a personal choice. One that might work for you and one that might work for me. Unfortunately, I have been at this for so long, I just don't think either approach is going to find us any answers. I think that if I stick to a structured routine, it will give my mind more time to "think" my way out of this horrid situation. No luck so far. Even my mind is blank, thus the body becomes numb. We can stay away from the Grand Canyon. I have a fear of heights. I was thinking about something more flat, like my life !
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