The sun was shining, but the wind was chilly. I went to the gym and used heavy weights that I knew would leave me sore the next day. I picked up my completed tax returns (married, filed separately) and discovered I might be able do some home projects. I realized that just like the wedding is a minuscule part of the marriage, the divorce finalization is a blip on the Geiger counter of the relationship's ultimate decay.
It had been a long time coming. No, it wasn't the transgressions, it was truly the knowing that together we would go no farther. We were done. Not with the children and parenting them, but with each other. I was more exhausted than sad, shaking my head with bemusement, wondering why it was so easy to remember when the love started, not so easy (all right, impossible) to recall when it began to fade. Like childbirth, you simply forgot.
Being successfully married (insert your definition here) is always described as being "hard work," and you know I don't mind working hard. It's just that I ended up finding other things which I invested my time and effort in to provide better returns. I'm a romantic, but I'm also brutally practical. I wasn't getting enough and I couldn't give more. Period.
The word divorce comes from the Latin "divert, or change direction," an apt etymology that parallels my own path. I still don't have a map, but a change in direction is something one can choose to embrace or to shun. Life is too short to snub change.
The day I got divorced was today.
Change is part of the fabric of the universe. One cannot stop it. It is not good or bad. Change just is.
ReplyDeleteGreat post. Powerful poignant stuff. Have a good Easter, and maybe we'll see you on the Tour de Hard Ice Cream.
It's funny how now that we are getting to the age where divorces are not that uncommon, a majority of the women I know who are going thru it, and needed it (insert your own reason), have looked better than they have in years. Like a huge weight was lifted off of them, like light came back to their eyes, like they started truly loving?, caring? strengthening? themselves again. Look at how beautiful you physically are on "that" day, wonder if that speaks to something.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you are looking forward seemingly squinting through a glass that's half-full. Thanks for sharing, because it's nice to hear someone else say, "I wasn't getting enough and couldn't give more."
ReplyDeleteOff to try filling my own glass a little bit more...