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| image from colemanzone.com |
If you had a choice between stepping into a Time Machine and travelling to either the past or the future - what would you decide? I'm not talking about jetting to a particular time period or era - what I mean is, would you jump into your own personal past or future? I've been thinking about this fantastical journey in time as I absorb the sadness of a valiant attempt fallen short. Myself, I'm undecided. Would it be more valuable to revisit the past and make decisions that would prove to be less damaging or, would I prefer to jump ahead 6 months to a time when emotions have hopefully been smoothed to a less raw state?
I'm attempting to own my actions, both laudable and despicable. I don't think I've ever claimed innocence with regards to my "personal" life but. in case you have the false impression that I've never shared a kiss with someone other than my husband, allow me to be clear here: I am an imperfect human being and I've done things that were clearly beyond the boundaries of traditional marriage. Am I proud of this? Of course, not. I try not to spend a lot of time with self-loathing (and I have an ability to justify and rationalize my actions), but I must consider why I felt less than satisfied. Is it an unrealistic expectation for marriage? A desire for something new and exciting? An unmet need that simply won't go away? I don't really know - perhaps it is all of the above. Maybe it is an unavoidable awareness that numbness should not be confused with contentment. That creating a family with a person you love deeply does not necessarily translate into happily ever after and that sometimes, just sometimes, staying together holds the promise of more hurt rather than a cessation of pain.
Ripping a bandage off and exposing a wound to light and air is not for everyone. I understand that and find myself frequently apologizing for revealing more than is comfortable for others. I don't do it to malign or rally support or to create a platform for my position. Instead, I bare my thoughts and feelings as an exercise in expression, as well as an attempt to explore the thread of humanity that I truly believe connects all of us. To write is no longer an option for me, but a compulsion. To read, however, is your choice.
I've been asking myself the same question. Could I go back, knowing what I know now and communicated when I sensed a problem instead of shutting down? Would that have changed things, or was the cheating a foregone conclusion? Or would I fast forward past this very new, very raw phase to see that things do indeed work out? I have no idea. I commend you for handling your pain exactly how you see fit - that takes enormous strength and I can tell you it has helped me do the same. Everyone else be damned.
ReplyDeleteIf I could "like" a comment, I'd like Anonymous's above.
ReplyDeleteSilvia, this compulsion is what gets us through. Let's visit soon. xoxo
I take it you're getting some flack for your openness? Never mind it. I think with regards to how open you've been, you've also been somewhat discreet and fair.
ReplyDeleteMy perspective is probably colored because I can relate to openness and admire it as a way of being but in the end, you have to work through this and this is how you've chosen to do so.
Just my outside opinion but in this context, you don't seem to have anything to feel guilty about.