Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Psychic Ipod - Heartbreak Edition

The shuffle feature on my Ipod provided me with the playlist below.  Really?  I mean, really?
  • Last Goodbye - Jeff Buckley
  • Our House - CSNY
  • Mysterious Ways - U2
  • Don't Let the Sun Catch You Crying - Rickie Lee Jones
  • So Lonesome I Could Cry - Cowboy Junkies
  • Can't Find My Way Home - Clapton/Winwood
  • Low Down - Clapton/Winwood
  • Miss Otis Regrets - Ella Fitzgerald
I was talking to someone yesterday about heartbreak.  He had mentioned that his son was coping with his first heartbreak and he, the Dad, was informally polling people about how many heartbreaks they had personally experienced.  I took a moment before responding... Three.  I remember with the first one I was absolutely convinced that I was going to die.  How could I not die on a diet  comprised exclusively of tequila and cigarettes?  I dropped 10 lbs in a week and bought a teal blue Yves St. Laurent bikini in a size 4 and made it my uniform for beach drinking.  Which I did a lot of that particular summer.  I had a friend, someone I worked with at the time in a restaurant, and she told me I should never gain that weight back again because I looked so good skinny.  I couldn't be friends with her after that remark - skinny is not better than happy and the fact that she failed to see the heartache on the inside, convinced me she was not truly a friend - a conclusion I've never regretted.  

Heartbreak #2 was a genuine blindsiding.  I knew it wasn't working, going anywhere or providing light comparable to the heat produced, and took a step away only to be drawn back in close enough for the inevitable slap in the face.  I held fast to my non-smoker status after that one, probably still drank too much tequila and have memories of running through Washington Park to escape the demon memories, as the tears poured down my face.  I left town as quickly as possible and regretted nothing other than being so trusting.

The current situation definitely has earned a place in this unfortunate top three  list, however, I'm older and smarter and I now know a few things.  Like, I'm not going to die.  I'm not really interested in consuming excessive amounts of tequila - especially on a hollow stomach.  I'll more than likely lose some weight, although it probably won't be enough to get me in a bikini again.  The path ahead is going to be filled with optimism and anger and sorrow, decisions and considerations and conversations.  And there won't be any running away. 

Bear with me.  The playlist will change, I promise.


  1. Keep writing, Silvia. It will get us all through . . . Mary Lynn

  2. your insight and wisdom have always been a balm to me. I won't drink tequila, but I will be a true friend during this trying time. keep sharing and keep your heart open. you are an amazing woman and I know you've got a net of friends, love and support waiting and willing to catch and cradle you. xox

  3. I have been reading your blog loyally since the first link from All Over Albany. I enjoy it immensely. I grew up in Delmar and now live in Albany, and when I am driving on Delaware Ave. between the two I always think about your appreciation and passion for the neighborhood. But still, I have not yet posted a comment as I'm extremely shy (even with the anonymity that the internet provides). However, I am compelled to tell you that I find your honesty about your life and tribulations incredibly brave and admirable. Not only are you dealing with an impossibly painful situation, but you are willing to admit that things aren't perfect. Thank God, it is time someone admitted it. Thank you and I will be thinking of you as you work your way through this. No matter the outcome, I know you will come out on top because you have clearly demonstrated an incredible sense of self -- I hope to be able to possess the same it is truly admirable.

  4. I'm so sorry Sylvia, the only thing I can say is stay strong. MiMi

  5. ML/Yas - As always, thank you.

    Anonymous #1 - I honestly can't thank you enough for your words. I so appreciate your understanding, without judgment, or the need to lay blame. Don't sell yourself short - you seem to have a pretty incredible sense of self already. Huge hug to you.

    MiMi - It's the only way I can be. TY.